The Fuss With Feelings
May 24, 2020
Posted by Alyson Curtis
In a world where “Breaking News” occurs around the clock with threats of nuclear war and natural disasters, it’s only instinctive to play down our own reactions and feelings so that we can carry on with the day. I have to admit, when I watched the news reports on the latest allegations against Harvey Weinstein, sparking a controversial debate, I became so consumed with disgust and upset it was difficult to focus on anything else.
As a society we have become experts at numbing feelings. Over the course of a day, we have to decide what to spend our emotional energy on. Working parents with a full-time job and energetic offspring choose carefully what “battles to pick.” But what happens when brushing things under the rug becomes the norm?
One of the most common themes I see amongst clients is inexperience in feeling emotions. Often times we start seeing a therapist to confront our inner issues that have been plaguing us for far too long. We book the appointment, sit on the couch, and think, “Now what?” Usually, its not long before I can see that a client has not felt the full impact that a particular relationship, situation or life event has caused them.
So what does it mean to feel our feelings and what can that do for us? The suppression of feelings starts at a young age. Parents simply cannot attune to every upset that a child has. Nor can society stop and mourn the loss of the hour and a half you spent commuting with train delays. Life goes on. Like the viral saying, “Keep Calm and Carry On,” we learn to just move on, often for the sake of others, without ever feeling the depths of our emotions.
On a surface level, the choice to brush feelings under the rug seems like the most sensible thing to do. Often times it is so effective to the point we feel like a zombie dragging our feet tuned out to all external stimuli. Or perhaps after years of shoving the feelings away, a pervasive depression has emerged. The point is, unfelt feelings typically manifest in one way or another.
This begs the question: how do we feel our feelings? Like anything else, in baby steps. Some people are so good at suppressing feelings they can’t even begin to identify what they’re feeling in a given moment. To those people I recommend a handy app called, “Moodtrack Diary,” free on the app store. The app is used to log emotions and rate them in intensity. Users can view trends in certain moods throughout the week, normalizing that experiencing a range of emotions from day to day is perfectly okay.
The next time someone habitually asks you, “How are you?” You may respond with your trusty, “Fine, and you?” But it may be a good opportunity to check in with yourself and see how you’re feeling in that moment. Lastly, therapy is a great way to practice feeling emotions. Unlike most situations in life, therapy provides a safe and supportive space to feel the depths of depression, joy, grief, anger, shame, and everything in between.
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About The Author
Alyson Curtis
MA, LMHC Senior Therapist
My ultimate passion is helping folx to get more in alignment with who they really are and what they really want out of life. Depending on your background, you underwent a unique process of domestication, where the life “rules” weren’t always laid out explicitly, but nevertheless dictated if you would be loved and accepted amongst family, friends, and peers.
For some of my clients, the rules involved impossible beauty/body image standards which led to disordered thoughts and behaviors around food and eating. For other clients of mine, secure and healthy love wasn’t available from early attachment figures and so they learned to not need love and found other ways to cope. For some, those attachment wounds shape-shifted into workaholism and burnout with a strong need to succeed and do everything perfectly. For others, it looked like following what everyone else told them was “right” to do in regards to life decisions, but feeling confused and lost as to what really suits them.
If you are feeling stuck or hopeless about where you’re at in life, your relationship to your body/food, feeling behind in dating and love, wanting help to look more deeply at how your attachment can be impeding you from finding or having the love you really want, or feeling like your current career is not it, but feeling paralyzed to even begin to broach a change in that area, you may find solace in working with me.
I began my journey towards practicing psychotherapy eleven years ago when I earned my B.A in Applied Social Psychology. I completed my masters at Brooklyn College where I was trained in both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Psychodynamic Therapy. I served as a therapist at John Jay College of Criminal Justice where I trained in LGBTQ affirmative and trauma-informed therapy. I later became certified in Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) at the Albert Ellis Institute. Today, I utilize a range of cutting edge frameworks, models, and tools to not just talk about creating the change you want, but to actually create it with you.
My treatment style is warm, engaged and empathetic from a sincere place. I believe in taking an active, collaborative approach so that we’re as efficient as possible. I will work with you to go at a pace that feels comfortable for you whether you’re interested in symptom reduction of anxiety, or processing emotional grief. My ultimate goal is to help you to create a life in total alignment with who you really are as we uncover your authentic self.