Coping With Flaky Friends

“Sorry, can’t make it today. Let’s plan something soon.”

How many times have you received this text or one of its variations from flaky friends canceling plans once again?

We all have flaky friends (or have sometimes been that friend) who cancel plans more often than following through with them. If you’re one of the lucky few who haven’t experienced this in your life, maybe you know someone who has. When this happens, quite a few thoughts tend to go through our heads, leading us to feelings of anger, disappointment, and hurt. Why are people flaky? How could they do this again? She doesn’t value our friendship as much as I do. I can’t stand that he does this repeatedly. Their canceling means something is wrong with me. It’d be easy for me to write about kicking that friend to the curb, but what happens if you really care about this friend and actually have a great time when you finally do get together?

An article in The NY Times titled The Golden Age of Bailing explores how easily people can now cancel plans and outlines questions to consider before doing so. Reading this piece prompted me to reflect on my experiences with friends who flake out on plans. It led me to wonder why the article didn’t also provide guidelines on how to deal with flaky friends.

People bail on plans because they can, and in addition to this freedom to do what they will, people also flake, usually because no one tells them how they are affected when they bail. I previously wrote a blog titled “Avoided Conversations” that might shed some light on this problem of not directly telling people how you feel about their actions. Essentially, the longer this conversation is avoided, the longer this friend is conditioned to think that they can flake on plans, and you’ll be okay with it.

How to Deal With Flaky People

The need for true companionship has never been more important, especially in times of widespread uncertainty. It’s difficult to deal with flaky people, especially when they’re friends, because, at the end of the day, they are free to do things as they please. While you may feel the best course of action is to cut them from your life, you don’t want to choose this nuclear option if your flaky friends, at their core, are good people and you share a mutual love for each other.

As unfortunate and inconvenient as this truth is, you need to realize and accept that you can’t control the actions of others. All that you can control are your thoughts and behaviors. Hence, when the time comes for you to finally confront your flaky friend, it is up to them to make behavioral changes for the better. The confrontation will most likely result in one of two outcomes – the friendship will grow stronger after you are able to honestly communicate your feelings, or the friendship will end. While the latter of the two options sounds scary and ultimately undesirable, it provides valuable information for you. If your friend is angry when you express your feelings about their flakiness, is this a friend you actually want to keep in contact with?

When you think about what you want from this friend – namely, for them to keep plans – think about how you can increase the likelihood of this happening. If this friend doesn’t know how they are affecting you, it is up to you to let them know. After you have this conversation with them, they have the option of changing or not. If they continue to bail on you after you have this talk with them, then it’s your choice whether you want to accept this behavior in a friendship.

How to Set Boundaries With Flaky Friends

Setting boundaries with flaky friends can feel tricky at first. It’s never easy to ask someone to change their behavior, even if it’s a good friend. However, assertiveness is linked to higher levels of mental health.¹ Communicating how their actions affect you could be crucial for your well-being. Consider the implications when a friend cancels at the last minute. Let’s break it down.

Suppose you’ve scheduled time to meet this friend, turning down other enriching activities like a yoga class or catching up with another friend. When they cancel, you lose the chance to optimize your free time, potentially leading to repeated missed opportunities to maximize self-care. This pattern could escalate to burnout, which is linked to depression.² The repeated flakiness isn’t just irritating; it’s detrimental to your well-being and strains the relationship. Below are strategies to curb this behavior:

Communicate Clearly and Directly

Your friend may not realize the impact of their behavior. Express your feelings without accusing. For example, you might say, “When you cancel on me, it makes me feel like our friendship doesn’t matter.” Alternatively, you could be more direct and state, “Your frequent cancellations make me feel undervalued.” This approach directly addresses the friend’s behavior and underscores how it affects you.

Set Expectations

Start by reflecting on why some people are flaky. Perhaps your friend assumes mutual comfort with canceling. Remember, not everyone views plans the same way. It’s vital to clarify how you value commitments: “When we make plans, I prioritize our time together, often declining other offers. If you can’t reciprocate, let’s avoid making advanced plans and keep things spontaneous instead.” Explaining this could help them be more thoughtful before agreeing to future plans with you. 

Limit Availability

Your time is precious, so protect it. Even after addressing your friend’s behavior, change might not happen overnight. To avoid further disappointment, be selective about the time you allocate to them. For instance, if Friday or Saturday nights are precious to you, reserve these for reliable friends. Friends who flake shouldn’t monopolize these coveted times. Instead, schedule them for less crucial periods, such as a Wednesday morning, until they demonstrate they can commit to plans. This strategy helps balance your social life by prioritizing nights for dependable friends and mornings for those still proving their reliability.

Reevaluate the Friendship 

Despite clear communication and set boundaries, some friends might persist in their flaky behavior. At this stage, consider whether maintaining the friendship is worth the emotional and time investment. Ending a friendship can be a difficult decision, but it’s commendable to have an open discussion about your needs. Remember, you’re not alone; research has shown a rise in people willing to end friendships to better meet their needs.³

Dealing with flaky friends can be challenging, but by setting clear boundaries and managing your expectations, you can maintain your relationships without compromising your needs. Remember, it’s about finding a balance that respects your time and friendships. With these strategies in place, you can navigate the ups and downs of friendships with grace and patience.

SOURCES

¹Pourjali, F., & Zarnaghash, M. Relationships between assertiveness and the power of saying no with mental health among undergraduate student. Procedia: Social & Behavioral Sciences, 9, 137–141, (2010), https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sbspro.2010.12.126

²Koutsimani, P., Montgomery, A., & Georganta, K. The Relationship Between Burnout, Depression, and Anxiety: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, (12 Mar. 2019),  https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00284 

³Khullar, T. H., Kirmayer, M. H., & Dirks, M. A. Relationship dissolution in the friendships of emerging adults: How, when, and why? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(11), 3243–3264, (2 July 2021), https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211026015