Why We Blame Others

In his book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, cognitive behavioral therapist David Burns identifies several cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that are false or inaccurate and have the potential to cause psychological distress. One of the distortions that Burns discussed was personalization – the act of blaming ourselves for something that is not within our control. The flip side of this distortion is blaming other people for what happens in our lives. An example of this would be someone saying, “If the barista had made my coffee faster, I wouldn’t have been late to my meeting.”

Do you find yourself blaming others when events don’t unfold how you want them to? Once you blame someone, do you then think they deserve to be treated or thought of poorly? Do you notice this pattern repeating often in your life? If so, it’s probably because you are engaged in the blame game. This post will primarily focus on the psychological reasons for blaming others, the reasons we do it, as well as ways to overcome this distortion. If you would like to learn more about how cognitive behavioral therapy can help you overcome the “blaming others” psychology, then contact Citron Hennessey and schedule an appointment at our Manhattan office.

WHAT IS BLAME?

Blame is defined as assigning responsibility for a fault or wrong. We blame others for a number of events: so and so made us late, she made me feel guilty, they pressured me to make a decision, he made me explode with rage. Blaming others leads to several unhelpful emotions, such as resentment, anger, and hatred. We blame others for our behaviors, our thoughts, and our feelings that are negative. I have yet to meet anyone who blames people for the good things that happen in our lives.

WHY DO WE BLAME OTHERS?

So why do people blame others?

The reason why people usually blame others is that it’s a quick escape from guilt. Blame is an incredibly easy and effortless tactic to use when we feel defensive. If you don’t hold yourself accountable for the consequences of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, you get to continue living life thinking that you don’t have any flaws or areas needing improvement. Blame is often used by those of us who have a desire or need to be perfect. When discussing blame with clients, I find that clients who blame more usually have the irrational demand “I must/should/ought to be perfect and if I’m not, then I’m unworthy/unloveable/a failure/etc.” Holding ourselves accountable for our actions usually puts us in a vulnerable position, and as a result, it can be difficult to do.

When we blame others, we refuse responsibility for our contributions to the problem. Blaming other people is an easy out, and an easy way for us to continue our behaviors, which may be the source of the problem we’re hoping to put on someone else. This denial of responsibility also denies us control of a given situation. Once I blame the MTA employee, the barista who makes my coffee at a snail’s pace, my partner, my upbringing, my family, or my therapist, I can no longer change my circumstances because I’m thinking, “Well, I didn’t do anything to cause my problem; This was all her fault.” Blaming others keeps us from seeing ways we can alter our behavior to achieve a desired outcome, it leaves us powerless, and it stunts our personal growth.

This is obviously a state that we don’t want to stay in permanently. By making others the responsible party for our problems, personal progress can be stalled. In fact, when we choose to ignore any sign, big or small, regarding the displacement of blame, we can even find ourselves pushing away those who are coming from a place of support. However, if we address the situation with the attention it deserves, it’s much easier to read our own emotions and see the reason behind the underlying issue.

THE CONSEQUENCES OF BLAMING OTHERS

Blaming others is a quick and easy way for you to avoid taking accountability for your actions, and as a result, it removes your agency to make meaningful changes in your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. The consequences of this pattern can lead to finding yourself stuck in a rut of perpetual personal challenges without being able to see the path to change.

What is the psychological term for blaming others? Blaming someone else for your problems is called deflection. It’s a defense mechanism intended to preserve your self-esteem by painting yourself as the victim of circumstance rather than accepting responsibility for your own mistakes and your own behavior. It is an unhealthy coping mechanism that stands in the way of becoming a healthier and better-adjusted person.

Take blaming others for your anger as an example. If you get angry when your partner doesn’t do the dishes or when your friends show up late to dinner, then you’re placing your anger outside your control. It defines your anger as a result of circumstance rather than an internal reaction that can be controlled or changed. Your anger is inevitable and unavoidable in this scenario, but you still pay the price for it.

Blaming others can lead to countless other costs and consequences. When you blame the barista for taking too long, you avoid recognizing that you need to leave for work earlier to get coffee and make it to the office on time. When you blame your business partner for not closing a deal, you avoid recognizing how your actions could have improved your likelihood of success. 

When the reason for every frustration is blame, attacks on others replace the essential work of self-improvement.

HOW TO AVOID THE HABIT OF BLAMING

1. Stop reinforcing your unhelpful thinking patterns. After a scenario arises in which you find yourself blaming someone, you’ll likely want to pick up the phone and tell a friend about how stupidly this person behaved, complain to your coworkers about this person, or vent to anyone who wants to listen. However, when we blame others and repeatedly recount the story to others, we reinforce the blame and emotions resulting from it. The next time you blame someone, try to not recount the story at all to anyone, and see how it affects you emotionally, mentally, or physically.
2. Change how you view mistakes. Instead of viewing errors as failures to be blamed on others, try to see them as opportunities for self-improvement. By acknowledging your responsibility, you are more able to learn from your mistakes and gain greater control of your life.
3. Take an outside perspective. How do you feel when someone blames you, and why do people blame others for their problems? Most people, when they are blamed by others, can list countless reasons and circumstances that contributed to why things went awry. 

But when blaming others, they attribute the other person’s behavior to character deficits or personality, saying or believing things such as, “They’re just a lazy person” or “They have no time management skills”. In psychology, this is called the Fundamental Attribution Error. Applying the grace that you give to yourself to others can go a long way toward learning how to stop blaming others.

4. Practice mindfulness. For many people, blaming others can become an automatic response where thoughts of blame come to you unbidden, and you find yourself experiencing a host of negative emotions in response. 

Mindfulness practices can help you connect to the present moment, identify when automatic blaming behavior is leading to a negative emotional spiral, and put you back in touch with your physical body. Cognitive distortions and automatic thoughts are the path to negative emotions for many, but grounding yourself in physical sensations can yield better results.

5. Focus on what you can control. Traffic happens. Other people make mistakes. Things don’t always go your way. But what is blame, other than a way of avoiding taking the actions necessary to keep moving forward? By focusing on what is inside of your control rather than blaming others for what is outside it, you can start working on solving the problem rather than sitting in the uncomfortable emotional state brought on by blame. 

If circumstances could make you late, you have the power to leave earlier. If your coworker makes a mistake, you can put in the effort to resolve it. Ultimately, instead of shifting blame to others, we can look at our part in the situation and learn how to handle it better in the future.

6. See a therapist. As stated earlier in this blog, people who blame often have a fragile sense of self-worth. They believe they can’t make a mistake, as doing so would mean they are flawed. Seeing a therapist will help you work towards accepting your human fallibility and capacity for error without degrading yourself or avoiding holding yourself accountable.

If you would like to take action now, then give Citron Hennessey a call. We have the mental health services you need to deal with tendencies related to blaming others. Schedule an appointment at our comfortable Manhattan offices, or book an online therapy session and our mental health counselors can help you avoid blaming others and begin to take responsibility.